hi!!!! as you can probably guess by the title, I finally watched Sonic 3!!!! I was waiting to see it with my friends and we were ORIGNALLY gonna watch it a week or so ago but we couldn't find a pirated version of it online LOL, so we put it off. Then someone on twitter posted the entire movie and I downloaded it so now we got to see it!!!! It was a LOT better than I thought it was gonna be- which to be fair i was SCARED. of this shit. the trailers made it look WEIRD. Movie Sonic still kinda pisses me off but the movie itself was pretty good!!! I just fucking hate the writing for his character lol,,, he's so annoying dude :crying:I also really REALLY wished I wasn't spoiled on the post credits thing by my little cousin. I know he was just excited to tell me about something I was interested in but. Ugh. It kinda spoiled the whole movie experience for me. Cause I knew the thing that would've made me extremely excited wouldn't do anything cause I already knew it was coming- if that makes sense. Idk. But I had fun :)


I still feel like rambling so on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, I'm really close to downloading all of the songs I have liked on Spotify! (read last blog for context) I only have 100 left, which sounds like a lot but it really isnt that bad lol. I'm still not 100% on if I want to buy an MP3 player or not, but right now I'm leaning towards yes. I REALLY want that tactile feeling back with my music. I love small tech and handheld devices so much... and one that plays me music and sings to me??? oouggghhh i need it. I'm just not fully convinced on which one to get- mostly cause I'm still running on limited funds. Unemployment moment. But yeah, that's been a fun little project for me this past week!!!

Maybe one day I'll write a little tutorial on how to move off of spotify, despite probably still not doing so myself LOL. I like the convenience okay!!!!! I like being able to drag and drop things super fast and for it to instantly update on all of my devices- just sucks that it's a subscription service and they don't fucking pay their artists. ugh. I wish I had an android so I could use the spotify APK. Maybe that could be a reason for me to get an MP3 player? so I could just avoid paying for spotify but continue using it on my web browser? Cause I hear that works with U-block origin. Not sure how LONG that'll work or if it even still does but eh. Yeah I'm still not sure on fully moving off of it, but I am very happy I actually OWN all of my music files now. Well, not ALL of them but most of them. I'm working on it okay!!!!!

currently listening to: Crush 40 - Live and Learn

storytime!!!
I was trying to add status cafe to my home page and came across a problem: it was showing up just fine on visual studio code but when I added it to neocities it just... wouldn't show up? After looking it up I figured out the issue and was starting on trying to fix it and as I went to turn on my Spotify to focus I realized I was logged out. I checked my email and yeah, my account got compromised. I'm not gonna lie, I definitely had a panic attack, but I worked through it and fixed it. Then I freaked out and started worrying about my other accounts and went on an hour long spree of changing passwords and adding security shit to all of them and I'm so tired and exhausted and UGHHH. All this ended up reminding me of was just how much I absolutely despise not being able to predict how things will end up. I've been so scared as of recent and it sucks SO bad.

This may, however, might just be the push I need to finally start getting serious about leaving Spotify. Because I just can not handle losing all of my music and playlists because some multi-billion dollar company fucked me over. Or if I lose the ability to pay for premium. I mean, idk, I finally bit the bullet and made this website despite not knowing exactly how to do it! And I used an MP3 player my entire childhood with no issue!! So it really shouldn't be that bad :DDD The main thing stopping me is just how long it's gonna take to get all of my music downloaded. Which sucks. I'm also afraid of somehow accidentally getting a virus and fucking things up and I don't exactly have an MP3 player to actually use so even when I have the files I can't listen to them and IDK what MP3 player to even get or if I could still use my headphones and if I'll ever get used to it and- ugh I'm rambling. I'll figure it out later.

I wish I had different answers besides "I'll figure it out later." I wish I could just look into the future and get a true answer- just to know what was gonna happen so I could prepare. I wanna be able to experience the moment without worrying about bullshit. Like, man, I've had this spotify account since 2017 and I've literally only had this ONE issue. But now it's gonna be all I can think about. That "what if it happens again? what if I lose my account and all the music and all my playlist and they somehow get access to my other accounts and I lose all of my stuff and I die?" like. Shut the fuck up man, yknow? I just wish I had answers. I wish everything could be predicted and easily avoidable. I wish I could rely on things to never break or to never fail. I don't want to have to worry about shit like this- It sucks!!!!!... But I'll survive, I'll figure it out later.

currently listening to: Miracle Musical - Variations on a Cloud

heyy!!! im finally not sick anymore (LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!!) and I just got done hanging with my friend for new years, so idk, I thought I'd talk about this past year a bit :3

Honestly, 2024 was really good for me! I finally got on a medication for my ADHD that actually works (crazy I know) and I lucked the FUCK out and started testosterone!!! I remember back in November 2023 I had a huge several day long breakdown over the fear of never starting T, a genuine fear with me living in such a deeply red state and with such low funds, but I made it!! I actually started T!!! I'm almost 9 months in and I couldn't be happier.

Not all of my medical adventures this year worked out though. I spent nearly all of the first half of this year in and out of the doctor's office trying to get help with my daily headaches and light-headedness. I spent I think 9 weeks in physical therapy with no luck, got put on a medication that made me violently suicidal, got sent to several specialists and I STILL never got an answer. My closest guess is that it was literally all just from stress, but even then I still get super light-headed extremely often even without such intense stressors. The lack of work definitely made my headaches go down though, I used to get them so bad I couldn't do anything besides lay down purely from the THOUGHT of going back to work.

oh yeah, work, yeah that was ass this year. I made it to 2 years in my job but quit in October. I don't feel like ranting about just how intensely suicidal I felt during those last few months on the job, but just know that I was very close to doing some stupid shit. I'm glad I'm not working anymore, and I'm glad I quit when I did. I don't want to even think about how bad I would have felt going in the day of the election. Good god. I don't feel like talking about that right now, at least not in depth, but just know that I am both VERY worried and also not AS worried as other's are about these next 4 years in this country. I can only hope things won't be catastrophic, or at least it won't be WORLD ending. It's gonna suck, but we'll live. We always do. Just gotta make it to 2028. ughgggghhhhhhhhh.

With that topic out of the way, I also wanna ramble juuuust a bit about starting this site 6 weeks ago. It's crazy to think it's only been 6 weeks, I feel like I've had this site for WAAAYYY longer. I'm very proud of myself for finally biting the bullet and just starting a neocities. I've been dreaming about making my own site instead of just a carrd for YEARS now but every time I tried I would always get too scared and overwhelmed and would give up before I wrote a single line of code. I'd say I'm making really good progress!! It's nice to have another creative outlet besides digital art, as much as I love it. I've always wanted to get into shit like this and I'm glad I did. I can't wait to see what this site's gonna look like in a year!!! I can't wait to see what I look like in a year!!! aaahhh!!! I hope 2025 is good. I'll try my best, and I hope you do too :)

currently listening to: Wallows - Scrawny

So, I'm still sick (sad) but!! christmas was really good this year (YAAAYY)!!! I'm still sad because I know today would have been literally perfect if i was healthy, but considering I had like 3 hours of sleep and can't breathe properly, it went pretty good!

Gifts this year were super good too!! I'm currently typing on my new keycaps that feel so good and are so cyyuuutteee!! And I have a new monitor light so I can finally see what I'm doing late at night! But the thing I'm the most excited about is that I FINALLY GOT SHADOW X SONIC GENERATIONS!!!!!

I played the first 3 levels of the sonic half and I was like "wow yeah it's just a slightly improved generations" but then I played Shadow's first level and HOOOLYYY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait until I finish Shadow's story so I can update my tierlist cause it's DEFINITELY going up in at least A. The controls are soooo fucking good. I had no idea what people meant when they said that it's like generations and frontiers combined until I played it. It is EXACTLY like generations and frontiers combined. There's even a cute ass overworld with collectables!!!! I'm glad I didn't start with Shadow's story right off the bat cause that would have spoiled the fuck out of me going into the Sonic portion. I really don't know how I'm gonna get myself to go back and finish Sonic's half cause Shadow's controls are literally perfect I LOVEEEE THEMMM!!!

Anyway, I'll save the rest of my thoughts on this game for when I finish it and update the tierlist but!! It's sooo goooddd you guyssss. I'm still too sick and tired to play in long sessions so I guess that's another thing to look forward to when I feel better, alongside getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night. lol.

If u aren't sick rn consider yourself lucky. Ughhhhh my head hurrrrttsss

currently listening to: Kendrick Lamar - tv off

hey, merry christmas to whoever celebrates. I'm sick as hell. and I wanna rant about that.

my friends and family know this to a nauseating degree but I CAN NOT handle being sick. like at all. it ruins my mental health in so many ways. Purely because I do NOT fall asleep easily; Even when I'm perfectly healthy, if one thing is SLIGHTLY off I can't fall sleep. Which is kind of a problem when being sick means there is ALWAYS something slightly off!!!! It started with just a cough and a sore throat and yeah that sucked but I could deal with it, now I have a stuffy nose. which is genuinely worse than 9/11 (haha like the name of this blog entry). I used to stay up scream crying whilst my grandma consoled me all night in middle school PURELY because of a stuffy nose. so yeah. I'm not doing so great.

What annoys me the MOST is that I did literally everything in my power to avoid getting sick. When I heard my brother had a cold I freaked out- I would disinfect entire rooms after he'd leave them, I'd wash my hands multiple times anytime I touched any surface outside of my room, I even avoided breathing in the same room as him- and I still got sick. And when I try complaining about it I'm told I'm being annoying and overreacting and that "it's just a cold you'll survive" and like YEAH I KNOW I'LL SURVIVE BUT I'M MISERABLE!!!!

It's so hard to get my family to understand my issues. it's borderline impossible. I'm worried about interacting with them tomorrow morning. I plan on wearing a mask around them but I already got made fun of for doing that in public during the HEIGHT of covid so who knows how that'll go lol. but even beyond the illness parts, they just don't listen to me about anything :( I tried telling my grandma I was diagnosed with OCD this past week and she didn't outright DENY my diagnosis but she gave me. Suspicious Looks. And then went on about how my mom had OCD and how her's was "so annoying to deal with" and. ugh....

anyway, this year's christmas shouldn't be as bad as they usually are. I at least have my cousin that's awesome coming over, but idk how long I'll be able to talk to him before I pass out from barely sleeping for 3 days lol. Idk, anything's better than the several past years being filled with mental breakdowns alone in my room. Also the gifts I accidentally saw get ordered for me are awesome so. yeah idk. happy holidays i guess. I'm gonna go walk around so I can avoid having to toss and turn in bed all night again lol

currently listening to: Glass Animals - Hot Sugar

i wish i could celebrate being transmasculine.

i wish i could celebrate my voice cracks and t voice without being laughed at for sounding like a 12 year old boy. i wish i could celebrate drawing top surgery scars on transmasc characters without tags or vague posts saying im "feminizing" a cis man. i wish i could celebrate feeling free to explore femininity now that i feel more comfortable as a guy without being told i was "never trans to begin with if i like the color pink." i wish i could celebrate being a man without posts saying the world doesn't need anymore men. i wish i could celebrate my masculinity without people telling me it would be better to be a masculine woman than a masculine man. i wish i could partake in transmasculine art and music without getting told i'm a cringey tiktokker theyfab for listening to cavetown. i wish i could celebrate my transmasculine joys without being told they don't matter, that i'm just being hysterical and annoying and attention-seeking.

i wish i could just tell someone im a transman without them seeing me as a little girl.

currently listening to: Linkin Park - Not Alone

OKAY. i spent these past 2 days doing NOTHING but updating this HTML but i FINALLY have a homepage I'm happy with!!! and wanna know the best part??? I DID IT WITHOUT ANY TEMPLATE AT ALL!!!!!! I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!!!!!!!! AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD!!!!!!!! UGH god im so happy its done and I'm not yearning for a better layout. Yeah I had to get rid of mobile compatability but I can get past that. Who tf browses neocities on mobile anyway? If i REALLY wanted to I could spend a couple more hours making it scale to different screen sizes and it wouldnt be IMPOSSIBLE but it WOULD suck and I really dont wanna do that LMAO!!

Now I can finally start to focus on making my friend's their christmas cards and group drawing.... still gonna be hard focusing on that knowing I have to update several other pages too.... WHATEVER!!!!!! I'll finish revamping my other pages later. I have (checks calendar) TWELVE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS???? fuuuuuuuuuuuucckkk

currently listening to: Owl City - Fireflies

hi, yeah im thinking of redoing my home page again. yeah whatever throw rocks at me and eat me alive or something.

I've been having identity crisis type thoughts again recently, and some of it relates to the things i create. I'm not gonna go into insane detail about my art style (i'll save that for another day) but i WILL go into detail about this site, cause yknow, you're lookin at it.

My site still feels too... sanitized? I don't feel like im putting enough of myself into it. CAUSE LIKE- I look at other people's sites and think "wroah... this person is so fuckin awesome... i GET them..." Obviously not on a personal level but, I feel like im looking at something THEY created and someting that's indicative of THEM. And when I look at my site and all the pages I feel. bad. like it's some tik-tokified representation of me. My redesigned homepage, whilst it's definitely BETTER cause it's not just a filled out template, still feels too barren and small. so- im redoing it. from scratch. with no template. Just me and my 3 weeks of html practice against the world.

I felt this way (and still do) about my various carrds. Where it never felt like something I did or something that actually represents me. I want this site to be like a moodboard, if that makes sense. I want this place to be kinda chaotic. And, sadly, that probably means I need to stop focusing on mobile compatability. At the VERY least it needs to stop being my main priority when designing and making a site. I need to get out of my carrd brain and just accept that I'm making a hobby website on neocities and not some professional resume of my coding abilities. I learned how to use a CSS sheet a month ago. I don't need to sanitize myself on here. I have 70 page views and a Sonic the Hedgehog shrine. I'll still try to make my page READABLE on mobile/smaller screens, but I'm probably gonna do that by just hiding all the decorations for them. Who give a shit. i hate using my phone anyway

currently listening to: Mother Mother - Ghosting

i finished my new main page!!! its so friggin cool i like it so much more!!!! :D I had to go through so much to make sure it worked on other screens though,,, ugh!!! I keep forgetting that firefox replaces all scroll wheels with a barely noticable one so when I checked the final product on chrome I felt physically ill.

Honestly, I might have to start coding on chrome specifically, WHICH SUCKS SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!! I have everything set up on firefox but chrome is so more responsive and shows me things I would miss usually,,, but uggghhhhhh I dont wannaaaa!! I'll stick with the fox for now cause it also has the mobile view shortcut (ctl + shift + M btw!!! try it out its fun!) but Man. That faster response time is looking so good rn.

maybe I should invest in more ram? My PC is only like 3-4 years old now, which is NOT a long amount of time but I have noticed it slow a little in this past year. But then again im the Unemployed Friend (tm) so I'm running on limited funds,,, ugh it always comes back to money :( whateverr

currently listening to: Sonic CD - Tidal Tempest "G" mix

hi!!! I've been doing a couple things these past few days!

As an update to my last blog: i was in fact diagnosed with OCD lol. I know this is kind of a weird thing to say but im honestly rlly excited?? you know how everyone always says that "the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem" or whatever, yeah that's kinda how I feel. Like, now that i KNOW what the issue is, its a lot easier to actually DEAL with it. I'm glad I'm not actually secretly evil or hiding some disgusting dark secret that not even I'm aware of and that I am in fact just disordered. yay for psychology!!!

on a completely unrelated note, another thing I've been working on is reworking my home page! I realized it kinda sucks for my landing page to just be a filled out template, so i'm trying to make it a LOT more customized. I'm still not 100% confident in my ability to code something from COMPLETE scratch, so I'm still using the cyanobacteria template; but I'm basically gutting everything and just using the very basics, mostly because I really like how my home page looks on mobile and I wanna keep that LOL. But yeah! that'll be fun.

yknow... how changed does a web page have to be from a template for it to be considered original anyway? this blog page is technically made from the "transparent glow" template. But I didn't start from that when making it, I started with my WYSI shrine page, which was already heavily changed from the template. And then on top of that I gutted like, 90% of the shrine code anyway. Is this code considered "original"? At what point is it MY code? I'm still gonna credit the cyanobacteria template anyway, I mean, it's what half of my pages are built on. But at what point is it considered "coding" instead of just copying?

Idk. It might just be my imposter syndrome kicking in, but still. I guess I'm just in a similar phase to the one I had when starting art for the first time, where blank canvases were impossible for me to fill on my own. So I went to deviantart and looked up F2U sonic bases to fill out. It took me several years until I could start drawing completely on my own, so I hope it doesn't take THAT long with coding. Not sure if drawing and website coding can be fully compared, but it's a cute comparison.

Is this a common phase? Am I weird? Am I secretly evil and stealing these codes from people and claiming it's my own? Am I hiding a disgusting dark secret that not even I'm aware of? Or is it the disorder? I think it's the disorder. yay for psychology!!!

currently listening to: Pet Symmetry - A Detailed and Poetic Physical Threat to the Person Who Intentionally Vandalized My 1994 Dodge...

hello!!!! im not good at writing but ill ramble for a bit-

I feel bad for not working on this website as much as I did when I first started, which I know is a kinda dumb. I worked on this site non-stop for like, 2 weeks, but I guess I just ran out of the "easy" things to code so I slowed down. which is completely normal and nothing to be "ashamed" of. But I do still feel guilty.

I've been feeling guilty about just about everything as of recent. I talk abt this a lot on my tumblr blog but I just recently quit my job of 2+ years last month. I only worked 8 hours a WEEK, but it still managed to ruin my mental health. I felt like I was lazy and not doing enough whilst I was employed, now that I'm jobless that feeling has tripled. My therapist is looking into me potentially having OCD, so if that diagnosis works out i'll ramble about that for a bit.

In other news, I've been drawing again! I'm working on a painting I started at the beginning of the year that I forgot existed lol. I had to update a few things in the sketch but it's coming out good! It's nice to be working on a skill that doesn't feel... reductive? Idk, it feels good to be making something instead of just sitting at my computer watching youtube.

I should make an art page on this site. my canvas size in clip studio is huge tho so I'll have to host the pictures off site to save some storage. I want people dropping by my site to see my art :D

anyway, i have to finish posting this page to neocities, i'll talk again laterrr :3

currently listening to: Tiny Moving Parts - Medicine