i wish i could celebrate being transmasculine.
i wish i could celebrate my voice cracks and t voice without being laughed at for sounding like a 12 year old boy. i wish i could celebrate drawing top surgery scars on transmasc characters without tags or vague posts saying im "feminizing" a cis man. i wish i could celebrate feeling free to explore femininity now that i feel more comfortable as a guy without being told i was "never trans to begin with if i like the color pink." i wish i could celebrate being a man without posts saying the world doesn't need anymore men. i wish i could celebrate my masculinity without people telling me it would be better to be a masculine woman than a masculine man. i wish i could partake in transmasculine art and music without getting told i'm a cringey tiktokker theyfab for listening to cavetown. i wish i could celebrate my transmasculine joys without being told they don't matter, that i'm just being hysterical and annoying and attention-seeking.
i wish i could just tell someone im a transman without them seeing me as a little girl.

currently listening to: Linkin Park - Not Alone

OKAY. i spent these past 2 days doing NOTHING but updating this HTML but i FINALLY have a homepage I'm happy with!!! and wanna know the best part??? I DID IT WITHOUT ANY TEMPLATE AT ALL!!!!!! I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!!!!!!!! AND IT LOOKS SO GOOD!!!!!!!! UGH god im so happy its done and I'm not yearning for a better layout. Yeah I had to get rid of mobile compatability but I can get past that. Who tf browses neocities on mobile anyway? If i REALLY wanted to I could spend a couple more hours making it scale to different screen sizes and it wouldnt be IMPOSSIBLE but it WOULD suck and I really dont wanna do that LMAO!!
Now I can finally start to focus on making my friend's their christmas cards and group drawing.... still gonna be hard focusing on that knowing I have to update several other pages too.... WHATEVER!!!!!! I'll finish revamping my other pages later. I have (checks calendar) TWELVE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS???? fuuuuuuuuuuuucckkk

currently listening to: Owl City - Fireflies

hi, yeah im thinking of redoing my home page again. yeah whatever throw rocks at me and eat me alive or something.
I've been having identity crisis type thoughts again recently, and some of it relates to the things i create. I'm not gonna go into insane detail about my art style (i'll save that for another day) but i WILL go into detail about this site, cause yknow, you're lookin at it.
My site still feels too... sanitized? I don't feel like im putting enough of myself into it. CAUSE LIKE- I look at other people's sites and think "wroah... this person is so fuckin awesome... i GET them..." Obviously not on a personal level but, I feel like im looking at something THEY created and someting that's indicative of THEM. And when I look at my site and all the pages I feel. bad. like it's some tik-tokified representation of me. My redesigned homepage, whilst it's definitely BETTER cause it's not just a filled out template, still feels too barren and small. so- im redoing it. from scratch. with no template. Just me and my 3 weeks of html practice against the world.
I felt this way (and still do) about my various carrds. Where it never felt like something I did or something that actually represents me. I want this site to be like a moodboard, if that makes sense. I want this place to be kinda chaotic. And, sadly, that probably means I need to stop focusing on mobile compatability. At the VERY least it needs to stop being my main priority when designing and making a site. I need to get out of my carrd brain and just accept that I'm making a hobby website on neocities and not some professional resume of my coding abilities. I learned how to use a CSS sheet a month ago. I don't need to sanitize myself on here. I have 70 page views and a Sonic the Hedgehog shrine. I'll still try to make my page READABLE on mobile/smaller screens, but I'm probably gonna do that by just hiding all the decorations for them. Who give a shit. i hate using my phone anyway

currently listening to: Mother Mother - Ghosting

i finished my new main page!!! its so friggin cool i like it so much more!!!! :D I had to go through so much to make sure it worked on other screens though,,, ugh!!! I keep forgetting that firefox replaces all scroll wheels with a barely noticable one so when I checked the final product on chrome I felt physically ill.
Honestly, I might have to start coding on chrome specifically, WHICH SUCKS SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!! I have everything set up on firefox but chrome is so more responsive and shows me things I would miss usually,,, but uggghhhhhh I dont wannaaaa!! I'll stick with the fox for now cause it also has the mobile view shortcut (ctl + shift + M btw!!! try it out its fun!) but Man. That faster response time is looking so good rn.
maybe I should invest in more ram? My PC is only like 3-4 years old now, which is NOT a long amount of time but I have noticed it slow a little in this past year. But then again im the Unemployed Friend (tm) so I'm running on limited funds,,, ugh it always comes back to money :( whateverr

currently listening to: Sonic CD - Tidal Tempest "G" mix

hi!!! I've been doing a couple things these past few days!
As an update to my last blog: i was in fact diagnosed with OCD lol. I know this is kind of a weird thing to say but im honestly rlly excited?? you know how everyone always says that "the first step to recovery is realizing you have a problem" or whatever, yeah that's kinda how I feel. Like, now that i KNOW what the issue is, its a lot easier to actually DEAL with it. I'm glad I'm not actually secretly evil or hiding some disgusting dark secret that not even I'm aware of and that I am in fact just disordered. yay for psychology!!!
on a completely unrelated note, another thing I've been working on is reworking my home page! I realized it kinda sucks for my landing page to just be a filled out template, so i'm trying to make it a LOT more customized. I'm still not 100% confident in my ability to code something from COMPLETE scratch, so I'm still using the cyanobacteria template; but I'm basically gutting everything and just using the very basics, mostly because I really like how my home page looks on mobile and I wanna keep that LOL. But yeah! that'll be fun.
yknow... how changed does a web page have to be from a template for it to be considered original anyway? this blog page is technically made from the "transparent glow" template. But I didn't start from that when making it, I started with my WYSI shrine page, which was already heavily changed from the template. And then on top of that I gutted like, 90% of the shrine code anyway. Is this code considered "original"? At what point is it MY code? I'm still gonna credit the cyanobacteria template anyway, I mean, it's what half of my pages are built on. But at what point is it considered "coding" instead of just copying?
Idk. It might just be my imposter syndrome kicking in, but still. I guess I'm just in a similar phase to the one I had when starting art for the first time, where blank canvases were impossible for me to fill on my own. So I went to deviantart and looked up F2U sonic bases to fill out. It took me several years until I could start drawing completely on my own, so I hope it doesn't take THAT long with coding. Not sure if drawing and website coding can be fully compared, but it's a cute comparison.
Is this a common phase? Am I weird? Am I secretly evil and stealing these codes from people and claiming it's my own? Am I hiding a disgusting dark secret that not even I'm aware of? Or is it the disorder? I think it's the disorder. yay for psychology!!!

currently listening to: Pet Symmetry - A Detailed and Poetic Physical Threat to the Person Who Intentionally Vandalized My 1994 Dodge...

hello!!!! im not good at writing but ill ramble for a bit-
I feel bad for not working on this website as much as I did when I first started, which I know is a kinda dumb. I worked on this site non-stop for like, 2 weeks, but I guess I just ran out of the "easy" things to code so I slowed down. which is completely normal and nothing to be "ashamed" of. But I do still feel guilty.
I've been feeling guilty about just about everything as of recent. I talk abt this a lot on my tumblr blog but I just recently quit my job of 2+ years last month. I only worked 8 hours a WEEK, but it still managed to ruin my mental health. I felt like I was lazy and not doing enough whilst I was employed, now that I'm jobless that feeling has tripled. My therapist is looking into me potentially having OCD, so if that diagnosis works out i'll ramble about that for a bit.
In other news, I've been drawing again! I'm working on a painting I started at the beginning of the year that I forgot existed lol. I had to update a few things in the sketch but it's coming out good! It's nice to be working on a skill that doesn't feel... reductive? Idk, it feels good to be making something instead of just sitting at my computer watching youtube.
I should make an art page on this site. my canvas size in clip studio is huge tho so I'll have to host the pictures off site to save some storage. I want people dropping by my site to see my art :D
anyway, i have to finish posting this page to neocities, i'll talk again laterrr :3

currently listening to: Tiny Moving Parts - Medicine